Someone once said "Sell your certainty and buy bewilderment". I first read that when I was thirteen or something like that. I wondered who in the world would want to buy bewilderment. Why? Spending my days in utter inner confusion, seeing lots of what I didn't want around me, my urgent need was to find some way to create meaning, to express the dreams that were burning me to tinders and seeming out of reach on top of the burns.
This morning I was making my espresso in this Italian small espresso pan that I bought to remind me of my year in Switzerland. The moments spent in my host family, drinking espresso and eating Lindt chocolate, were filled with warmth. Often we talked and talked through the coffee session with Monica, my hostmother. She was one of the first adults I ever found who seemed to really live what she believed. But back here in Merihaka, when I took my hot milk out of the microwave and poured the Pirkka espresso into my cup with the town landscape, I suddenly understood what might be the interesting thing about bewilderment.
These days I live my Dream, although it is often uncertain and scary, I actually do all the things that I dreamed of when I was sixteen, oh and a few surprises as well. So the question is "What next?" And it seems to me all the fun things are happening when I relax into the unknown these days. My mind has taken me to its limits. All the dreams I can think up now are in the range of Bigger and Better of something that I already have in essence. So I stand face to face with the Unknown.
Don't get me wrong. I think the Unknown is really crummy. It makes my tummy cringe and my mind screech and rattles me in every way I can imagine. At least at this moment. But then, fun things start to happen.
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